A sinister fairytale
by GarGoyl
Summary: Magic!England, Evil!America, Vampire!Romania, Sweet!Hungary. Arthur Kirkland is an evil sorcerer living in a dark gloomy castle, and runs his infamous magic club. Full summary inside! A quite terrible story, some pairings included, all spiced up with some dark humor, Romanian style. A bit crack. Okay, a bit more. FINAL CHAPTER IS UP!
1. Chapter 1

**A SINISTER FAIRYTALE**

**_Full Summary: Arthur Kirkland is an evil sorcerer living in a dark gloomy castle, and runs his infamous magic club. Together with his equally devious brother Alfred, they keep nations who can best serve them as slaves while mercilessly praying on others. Is there any way out of this situation? Find out! (A quite terrible story, some pairings included, all spiced up with some dark humor, Romanian style. A bit crack. Okay, a bit more) Magic!England, Evil!America, Vampire!Romania, Sweet!Hungary - that's new :))._**

**Chapter 1**

The very few blue flamed candles enveloped the Laboratory Tower in an eerie light, shadows dancing ominously over the countless shelves filled with books, jars of dubious contents and whatnot.

"Let's see now – eye of newt, dried snake skin powder, three drops of wild bore blood… "Arthur enumerated, stooping over a large boiling cauldron and mixing in it with a large silver spoon. "Almost there, almost there…" he mumbled to himself before realizing there was something missing.

"Damn it Lukas! You forgot giant moth wings! Get up there and get them!" he suddenly shouted annoyed.

The trembling Norwegian scrambled up a tiny wooden ladder, doing his best to keep his balance while trying to reach an upper shelf. The fact that he could see nothing in the obscurity Arthur always insisted upon when working also didn't help.

"Hey, better let me get them, before you fall and break your neck" A husky voice came from below, and he glanced down to meet the vampire's red glowing orbs staring at him.

"Thanks, b-but he asked me and you know how h-he is when I don't do-"Lukas stuttered, reaching for the jar. Just as his fingers closed around it, the blonde lost his footing and collapsed, only to land into a pair of lithe but surprisingly strong arms.

"Er… thanks mate" he said still shaking.

"With pleasure" the Romanian replied with a brief grin.

"When you two are finished with your romantic moment, I need those damned giant moth wings, you useless, bloody gits!" Arthur yelled.

When the last ingredient was finally added, he solemnly smoothed the folds of his Harry-Potter-like black robes and began reading a complicated incantation in a language no one else understood. He then placed the book down on the table beside him and used the long spoon to fill a goblet which he then held up proudly.

"Now, this is a very powerful potion called _Fortifice Major. _It grants unexpected powers to the one who drinks it, so that he becomes invincible! Back in the Middle Ages it was a specialty of the Borgias…" he explained.

Lukas thought that the Borgias used to make poisons, but he kept his mouth shut, since the Englishman could not stand being contradicted. Instead he just watched at Arthur proceeded to down the drink and something like a small poof occurred.

"See? I already feel so much more powerful!" the wizard said stretching his arms. "Well, Lukas?"

"M-master, your face… is so much more… s-scary. And you look like a giant… giant… um…"

"Well? What do you think, Dragos?" he then turned to the Romanian servant.

"Like a giant… cucumber. You know, all green and bulbous and stuff…" the vampire explained and then burst into laughter before he could refrain himself. Lukas nodded weakly, trying to shrink as much as possible.

"WHAT? How dare you laugh at me, you fangy wanker?!" Arthur yelled, his thick eyebrows twitching, grabbing his wand from the table and pointing it at the culprit. "I curse you!"

But the vampire quickly transformed into a bat and flew away, out of his reach, with a laughter-like squeak.

"DRAGOS! GET BACK HERE! Don't you dare run away from me, you bloody bastard!" the Englishman continued to scream, while Lukas also made himself scarce at top speed.

Okay so this was one of those moments when Arthur's spells would go wrong, down straight fucked up as some may say, but unfortunately most of the times they did work. This was how he'd managed to force Norway and Romania into becoming assistants for his sinister magic club, Hungary to work as his cook – although much to her horror poor Elizabeta had to cook _his_ favorite dishes - and many others to attend around his huge gloomy castle. He and Alfred drew their evil magic powers mostly from preying on countless defenseless people, well actually _eating_ them… while the other nations kept away, terrified.

Meanwhile, Arthur raced down the stairs of the Laboratory Tower, and then on several intricate corridors, scaring the shit out of anyone that had the misfortune of being in his way.

"Dude, you look weird! It's not like, permanent is it?" his brother laughed as he passed through a large living room.

"Oh shut the hell up!"

Eventually, the Englishman reached his target – the kitchen, and stormed in furiously, slamming the two large wooden doors open.

"Alright, where's that damned bastard? Hiding in here?" he shouted impatiently.

The sudden commotion startled Elizabeta, who turned around in surprise. Upon observing her master's new appearance, her pretty face twisted into an amused grimace as she slapped a hand over her mouth and unsuccessfully tried to make the laughter fit sound like a sudden violent cough.

"Arrrrgh! Where's Dragos?" Arthur yelled in extreme frustration. "I swear I'll tear him to pieces when I get my hands on him!"

Elizabeta flinched, frightened, and her smile disappeared instantly. "Oh… um… did he do _that_ to you Master?"

"Oh I bet he'd like that! He _laughed_ at me! How dares he laugh at ME? Anyone who laughs at me will feel my wrath!"

He suddenly eyed her intently and the poor girl shuddered in horror. "And you! You laughed at me too, think I didn't see that? I will punish you"

"Master, no p-please! Have mercy on me, please!" she cried dropping to her knees.

The wizard's features softened to some extent and he waved his hand, bored. "Alright, alright, I suppose I can be merciful this time… Therefore you'll go clean the dungeons, before the new lot of prisoners arrives!" he then chuckled maliciously.

Elizabeta sighed in resignation.

_**Okay so I was bored and in the mood for some crack… so there it is. Maybe let me know what you think? Hugs, kisses and a pillow full of fleas for everyone :))) **_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_**And back with some more...**_

Clutching her broom and bucket tightly, Elizabeta made her way down the narrow staircase that led into the dungeons beneath the castle. It was so frightening down there in the humid darkness, where sounds echoed strangely through the ancient stone walls. She dreaded each step that took her closer to the terrible place in which her Master kept his prisoners. _Or should I say pieces of meat?_ She shuddered at the thought and was glad that at least she didn't have to see any of them.

The descent seemed to take forever and it grew colder and colder. Elizabeta eventually found herself in front of some sort of aisle between two rows of barred cells. The iron doors hung open and there was a foul, suffocating smell about the place.

_Oh God, it's dreadful! _she thought. _And I must endure all this because of some stupid trick that dimwitted vampire has pulled again! _Seriously, when would he learn? They were Arthur's servants and had to obey him, or there would be consequences. There was no way out of here. And he may have run but Master was going to catch him eventually and most likely teach him a painful lesson…

Sighing, she had begun to sweep away the dirty straws that lay scattered in one of the cells, when she suddenly heard something like a faint whimper coming from somewhere close.

"Oh no!" the girl shrieked, throwing aside both the broom and the bucket, as she hurried in the direction of the sound. It was coming from the last cell far in the back, and she noticed that it was locked. She still peeked through the iron bars, and distinguished the shape of someone lying crumpled on the hard stone floor. It appeared that the figure was shaking and sobbing.

"Um… hello?" she tried, but the prisoner only pulled himself further away from the door with a muffled gasp.

"Ah, so there you were!" Elizabeta's ears were suddenly grazed by the loud obnoxious voice of none other than Alfred F. Jones. "I just happened to remember that we had one more prisoner left, and an important one mind you! It would have been so un-awesome to overlook him now right? Don't worry, I'll take it from here"

Saying that, he shoved her aside unceremoniously as he unlocked the cell and stepped in determined. She watched in horror as he forcefully grabbed the whimpering man by the collar and dragged him outside – as he could barely use his own feet for support – and then up the stairs.

As soon as they were out of sight, Elizabeta slid down onto the cold floor, silently wiping the tears that had begun to well down her cheeks.

-x-

Cleaning the filthy dungeon took her a while, after which she again heard approaching footsteps. They were hurried and a bit stumbled too, so she knew that it must have been another servant.

"Elizabeta! Are you done here? I'll help if…" said an accented voice and she lifted her gaze to see the Bulgarian Nikola stooping above her, with a concerned look on his face.

"No, thanks Nikola, I'm quite done" she replied standing up and dusting a few straws off her skirt.

"Good then, make haste and come with me! Master wants everybody gathered in the Great Hall. He has something important to say and…" he trailed off awkwardly.

"What's wrong?"

"Um… nothing he just looks pissed…I think" Nikola said visibly worried.

She sighed. "Alright, what did that stupid Romanian do this time?"

Nikola shrugged. "Dragos? I haven't seen him today at all…"

When they finally made it into the Great Hall, all the other servants had already gathered and waited for their Master, fretting nervously. Nikola went to join his closer friends, while Elizabeta found a remote place in one corner. A few moments later, she felt someone sneaking up behind her and she inwardly rolled her eyes. Her hand reached down to grab the frying pan she always kept hidden under her apron – for safety, of course - and she gave it a swift swing backwards.

"Owww!" The back of the frying pan collided with the vampire's forehead, knocking off his hat. Elizabeta covered her mouth to suppress a giggle.

"That was for me having to clean the dungeons because you laughed at Master for looking… um… they way he looked this morning!"

"While you happened to be all serious about it, huh!" came the hissed reply, while the frying pan was abruptly taken from her hand.

She half-turned with a scowl, facing the Romanian. He raised an eyebrow questioningly with a mischievous grin, showing fangs. _Ugh! How does he know?_

"Anyway…" he said as she turned away and he rested his chin onto her shoulder. "What is all the fuss about?"

"Master has something important to say…" She could barely think, as she felt his cool breath on the nape of her neck and his arms sneaked their way around her waist.

"Honestly, Dragos, how many times did I tell you not to-"

But she was interrupted when Arthur made a majestic entrance, black robes floating behind him as he walked. However, he did not seem pissed off, but rather pleased about something. Maybe about the fact that he wasn't looking like a giant cucumber anymore. But immediately after him came Alfred, again dragging the prisoner Elizabeta had seen earlier. She flinched. He looked even worse now, battered and bruised, while his light brown bangs hung disheveled onto his face. The blue military uniform, which was ragged and torn, looked somewhat familiar.

"As you all know" the Englishman began solemnly "the only people who were ever foolish enough to defy us, were those from the so-called Axis. But since all our enemies are sooner or later met with a cruel fate, we have now captured one of them!" he proclaimed pointing his wand towards the prisoner. "And fear not, the rest of them will follow soon enough!"

"Oh, I know now! He's Italy! Oh my God!" Elizabeta murmured in shock. "They've captured him!"

"An outstanding achievement" the vampire observed. "They got the idiot of the group"

"He's not an idiot!" she retorted angrily. "And he's your distant cousin, is he not?"

"Very distant. So distant that if you tell anyone something very bad will happen to you, beautiful" Dragos whispered into her ear.

"And he's so cute too" the Hungarian decided to push his buttons. "I'd play seven minutes in heaven with him…" she said blushing slightly.

"And I would play seven minutes in hell with all of you"

"Take a good look at this man!" the wizard spoke, again pointing at his prisoner, who had now dropped to his knees and was currently babbling something rather unintelligible and very fast, out of which they could only make out a repeated 'please'. "This man, Feliciano Vargas, has defied me and shall feel my wrath!"

A murmur ran across the room as all the servants stared in terror, waiting for the Englishman's sentence.

"You two!" Elizabeta gasped in horror seeing the wizard's finger pointing in her direction. "Take him down to the kitchen and prepare a feast for tomorrow night. I shall feast on his flesh and thus absorb his power!"

Before she could open her mouth to protest, which wasn't a good idea anyway, Alfred ushered both her and Dragos, together with the prisoner, down to the castle kitchens and shoved them all inside rather brutally.

"You heard my brother, now get to work! Oh, and aside from Iggy's stew, I'd also like a few hamburgers so don't forget to save some meat for that as well". Saying that he slammed the door shut, leaving them dumbstruck.

"Aw fuck…"

_**So much for chapter 2. I'll surely be updating again this century… :)**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

_**As you may have noticed – and I mention that in all my works – I TOTALLY SUCK at introductions and endings, so don't expect much of that :)...**_

_**Anyway, as promised, here's the update. I'm so excited about this :)**_

All three of them stared at each other in utter horror, until the door opened again and Nikola stepped in, rather hesitantly.

"I was told to give a hand…" he began uneasy. "B-but he wasn't serious, was he…?"

"Well he wasn't joking either!" Dragos replied, proceeding to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Gah! Just when you think things couldn't get any more fucked up in this damned house, guess what, they do!"

"Well guys… but what are we going to do? It's obviously we can't… do what they want…" Elizabeta whispered.

The vampire suddenly turned and glared at the little Italian who had once more dropped on his knees and was begging for mercy.

"Please-don't-hurt-me-please-please-please! I-mean-why-would-you-do-that-England's-food-already-tastes-incredibly-horrible-and-it's-really- really-the-worst,-and it-would-only-be-even-more-horrible-with-me-in-it! I-know-that-I-eat-a-lot-of-pizza-and-pasta-but-I-don't-taste-at-all-like-pizza-and-pasta-and-I'm-so-very-very-sensitive-too-so-please-please-don't-hurt-me-please-please-please!"

"Ugh…" Nikola groaned faintly rubbing his temples. His headache only lessened when the Romanian used the frying pan he'd snatched earlier from Elizabeta and hit Feliciano in the back of his head, rendering him unconscious. "Eh, better…" he acknowledged.

"Elizabeta, you'd better go to bed now. Nikola and I will take care of this" the vampire said.

"W-what…?" the girl gasped in shock. "You-you're… not thinking of…"

"You know we can't disobey Master, or else… Now go to bed!" he ordered in a strange voice that instantly made her feel light-headed and sleepy. Unable to protest anymore, she was left with no choice but to walk absent-mindedly into her bedroom and just collapsed on the bed.

-x-

Alfred strolled carelessly down the corridor, sort of excited about the upcoming feast – God, he loved hamburgers, especially those containing a _certain kind_ of meat – when a curious sight caught his attention. He saw Nikola, the Bulgarian servant and the Romanian vampire carrying a coffin and apparently headed for the long narrow pathway that lead to the latter's chambers.

"Hey!" he called curious. "Weren't you two supposed to be cooking or something now?"

"A-ah, yes Master" the Bulgarian stuttered "But you know, the meat was a bit hard, which is a bit strange because he was young but still…so… um… w-we needed to let it boil for a while so we… um…"

"But what _are_ you doing anyway?" Alfred insisted.

"I just picked up my old coffin which I'd taken to get fixed. It was broken" Dragos explained quickly, eager to end the inopportune conversation.

"Seriously? Dude, how did you manage to break you coffin?"

"Eh…"

"Anyway, maybe you could open it? I'd like to see the inside" the American asked curious.

_Oh, how I'd like you to see the inside! And stay there!_ the Romanian thought, but bit his tongue. "Oh, why would you like such a thing Master?" he wondered instead, actually genuinely panicked.

Alfred shrugged. "I was curious of the color of the pillows and stuff. They're not white, are they? Not like you're a virgin or something, dude"

"Actually they are white! Whitest silk if you want to know"

"Ahahahahaha! No way dude, that's like way too sad! Hahahahaha!" the obnoxious blonde laughed, finally walking away, much to the two boys' relief.

"Oh fuck off already!" the vampire muttered.

-x-

Elizabeta woke up still a bit dizzy, having no idea for how many hours she had slept. She only knew that she'd had quite a troubled sleep, full of horrid nightmares. Glancing outside on her small barred window she realized that it was already night again. It was almost time for Master's feast. The Hungarian suddenly felt sick and did not want to leave her bed, but she had to.

Heart pounding in her chest, she walked towards the castle kitchens, hearing all sorts of disturbing sounds coming from the inside. A dreadful smell hit her like a fist in the face the very moment she opened the door and she instantly covered her mouth and her nose with both hands. The air was simply un-breathable.

"Oh my God! What the heck have you done in here? It smells even worse than usual!" she shrieked, feeling her stomach gradually turning upside down.

"Eh, well, you know that Arthur's recipes have a very special _je ne sais quoi, _so that the poisonous fumes emanating from it keep you at bay. It could not be helped" Dragos explained with a wry smile, shrugging.

"Oh damn it! I completely forgot about the hamburgers!" Nikola exclaimed. If Dragos looked even paler than usual, the Bulgarian's face had a definite shade of green. "Could you take care of that? I vomited five times already"

"Yeah, don't worry" the vampire said.

Meanwhile Elizabeta cautiously drew closer to the large cauldron containing the stew, which was still boiling. And she also had the completely uninspired idea to lift up the lid and look inside. Suddenly she saw a pale hand surfacing in the murky-looking liquid and the bony fingers seemed to reach out to grab her. She let out a scream, stumbling a few steps backwards and very nearly falling down on her backside, while the heavy lid rolled down on the stone floor with a loud bang.

"I added olive oil" the Bulgarian said innocently. "B-but it only made it worse"

"Which is quite surprising, I didn't think it was possible" the vampire added.

-x-

"Ah, it smells delicious!" Arthur exclaimed very pleased, inhaling deeply on the contents of his plate and poking the piece of meat with his fork. "Just like I knew it would. Ah, the taste of power!" Alfred did not say much, as he'd already began to stuff his face with the pile of hamburgers.

"I-I can't sit and watch them eating my friend, I can't…" Elizabeta sobbed into her handkerchief. However, next to her, Nikola and Dragos seemed completely unfazed by the respective tragedy. If they did seem a bit worried though, it must have been for reasons that were completely unknown to her.

The three servants had no choice but to wait patiently until the Englishman and his brother effectively wolfed down almost all the food, looking quite satisfied. But suddenly Elizabeta noticed Arthur's face twisting into a grimace, as if he was about to be sick. She heard Nikola gasping, his large brown eyes widened in fear.

"Uh-oh!" Dragos observed.

"ELIZABETA! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAVE YOU PUT INTO THIS SAUCE?"

"Actually the problems lies with the meat and not with the sauce, not that it matters…" Nikola mumbled weakly as she stood up trembling. Fortunately, the wizard didn't hear it.

"Leave her alone, she didn't do anything!" the vampire replied defiantly. "Maybe _Italian_ does not agree with your stomach, and you should stick to your usual appalling crap!"

"S-shit! Now he did it!" the Bulgarian whispered.

"Alright, that does it!" Arthur yelled with clenched fists. "Alfred, teach our little fangy friend a lesson!"

_**And that does it for today ;) Stay tuned for more **__**crack!**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

_**Aaand back with some more disturbing !$#&#$^!*$ :))))**_

Still holding an ice bag stuck to his forehead, as a result of the recent unfortunate episode involving the 'Hero', the vampire opened the lid of the extra coffin and examined the features of the still slumbering Italian with obvious displeasure.

"Gah! Why the fuck did you have to come here and get yourself captured? Honestly, taking care of you was the last fucking thing I needed right now! And I can't believe I got my ass kicked because of you, you damned retarded fuck!" he shouted annoyed.

"R-Romano? Is that you?" Feliciano asked blinking sleepily. "Veh… why do you have red eyes?"

Dragos flinched at the mention of his other equally distant cousin. That one was even more irritating, and he was known for swearing almost as foul as he did._ Well, almost… What a pair of idiots, I can't believe what shit family I was 'blessed' with! No wonder no one ever takes us seriously!_ Oh well, at least he was a vampire.

"What? No, it's me, Dragos. You do remember me, don't you?" replied the Romanian, not very convinced that he actually would.

"Veh… Sure I remember you cousin!" the Italian chirped. "It's just that you're sort of a dick like my fratello and I was sleepy and thought it was him!"

The vampire threw away the ice bag and shot him a killing glare. "WHAT? Did you just say I'm a _dick_?"

Feliciano shifted uncomfortably, avoiding the dark red eyes that were staring down at him intently. "A bit, veh… And you're scary!" He let out a scream when the lid was suddenly slammed shut and found himself engulfed by complete darkness.

"NO! No, let me out, please, please, please! It's so dark and scary in here, veh!" he cried in a pitiful voice.

"Shut the hell up or I swear you'll never get out of there!" came an angry reply.

-x-

Elizabeta approached shyly and stopped hesitantly before pressing the knob. She had long debated within herself whether she should go and check on Dragos after Alfred had eventually returned to the dining hall. By the satisfied grin on the blonde's face she guessed that he must have hurt the Romanian pretty bad. After all, he was known to be quite fond of violence… She shuddered at the thought.

_But the two of us don't officially get along so well… Then again, he stood up to Master to protect me… Yeah, but it was him and Nikola that cooked God-knows-what that was… At least he's brave… No, he's not brave, he's just got a big mouth and a sharp tongue and you know it… But he's still cute… Get real, he's a vampire _

She sighed – so many conflicting thoughts. The old wooden door to his chambers opened with a loud creak. Her eyes scanned anxiously around the room as she almost tripped over his coat and hat that lay thrown in a messy pile on the floor, and there he was, half lying in his coffin, his long legs slung over the edge on one side, holding an ice bag to his forehead. A nasty bruise was still noticeable on his pale cheek, even if it was fading fast. Elizabeta walked up and carefully sat down on a large cushion that had been placed nearby.

"He got you bad, didn't he?" she whispered. His eyes opened slowly and the Hungarian noticed that his usually vivid red irises had turned a dark burgundy.

"You poor thing…" She reached to touch his face and jumped slightly when he let his head fall against her shoulder, eyes closing again. That was a bit dangerous, his mouth so close to her bare neck, and he was probably hungry too. He could eat regular food but it wasn't enough, he needed blood and they were rarely allowing him outside the castle to hunt so that he kind of always went hungry… Yet he did not stir and soon her delicate fingers found their way into his silky strawberry blonde hair and started caressing him.

Suddenly a faint whimper reached the girl's ears and she yelped slightly, noticing another coffin just behind her. She jumped to her feet, pushing the vampire away from her.

"Dragos! What's in that coffin?" she demanded.

The Romanian rolled his eyes and dropped back onto his pillows. "Honestly, what do you think it is?" he muttered.

Elizabeta pushed the lid aside and shrieked in surprise. "Feliciano! You're alright! God, I can't believe this!"

"Lizzy! I'm so happy to see you, veh!" the little Italian replied as she stooped down to pull him into a tight hug. "That dick cousin of mine locked me up in here and it was so dark and scary!"

The vampire jumped to his feet and was about to say something very nasty in reply, when his fine hearing caught the sound of stomping approaching footsteps.

"Oh shit! It's Alfred! Quickly, hide!" he pressed.

"What?" Elizabeta whispered in horror. "W-what does he want? OH GOD! Maybe… he… knows?"

"Maybe he doesn't!" Dragos hoped, forcefully pushing her down inside the coffin on top of the Italian and slamming the lid shut. "Better keep quiet in there while he's here" he warned as he proceeded to sit on top of it cross-legged, with the best poker face he was capable of.

Right the next second, the door slammed open in one swift, thundering movement. "Hey dude! It's not like I'm intruding or anything, right?"

_Not at all, not at all… _

"Anyway" Alfred said, flashing a stupid smile "I was curious about one thing and I forgot to check, you know, earlier" he added drawing closer.

"And what would that be, Master?" the vampire managed to ask before the blonde reached and unbuttoned his shirt, eagerly examining his bare skin.

"Aw, dude, you don't sparkle!" he exclaimed disappointed. "That's so not awesome!"

Dragos struggled to find something to say, possibly an excuse, but before he could come up with any, the hyperactive American's attention was already drawn elsewhere.

"Oh but this is totally awesome! I totally want to try this!" he said walking to the open coffin and laying down inside, looking all thrilled.

_Being dead is awesome too, wouldn't you like to try that as well? _the Romanian was about to say, but a flash of pain to his side advised him differently, so he remained silent.

"So…" Alfred then said, in a lower voice, settling himself in better. "I guess it's kinda true what they say, that you're more inclined to take people to 'dinner' than to your bed, huh!"

"What?"

But then Dragos remembered, his gaze trailing to the pillows and bed sheets Alfred was getting himself so comfortable onto. White silk. _Ugh! _But that did not mean...

"Get over here" the American said with a smirk, impatiently patting the place next to him.

_**Okay, so that was chapter 4, but then again you already know that… ugh! I suck at this, God how awkward! Can anyone volunteer to write endings for me? Joking of course but it would really help :)))**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

_**First, I'd like to thank all of you who left reviews and who added my story to alerts and favorites! You guys really make my day, thanks so much for all the support! **_

"_Get over here" the American said with a smirk, impatiently patting the place next to him._

The vampire stood up slowly and shot a worried glance towards the closed coffin he'd been sitting on before he eventually complied. However, he didn't get much time to think about how damned awkward that had sounded, since it almost instantly got way more so.

"So, I guess you don't like me much, now do you?" Alfred reckoned. "Oh, I know… we are mean to you, hell I even beat you and we keep you hungry most of the time, but…" He paused, pulling closer to the apparently unimpressed servant, and slipped a gloved hand under his already open shirt, tracing his spine with his fingertips. "But you're not very good yourself, aren't you, little imp… No, you're always so rebellious and cheeky…"

He leaned in even closer to check for any signs of blush on the Romanian's pale, unearthly handsome face, but found none. _What do you know, vampires don't blush, just like they don't sparkle_

"Yes but you like it" the vampire whispered, confirming the American's statement. _Shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have said that, damn it!_

But Alfred chuckled darkly."Well… don't tell anyone but actually-"

"I'm so very scared and hungry right now, veh! Do you have any pasta?" resounded the unmistakable voice of the one and only Feliciano Vargas, stealth master extraordinaire, before Elizabeta could clamp a hand over his mouth.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" the blonde jumped up, propping himself in one elbow. "Did you hear that?"

"Oh fuck me…" Dragos muttered, face palming discreetly. _We are SO screwed!_ "I didn't hear anything" he lied, this time a bit louder.

"Dude, I swear I heard that Italian, he said something about pasta!" the American shouted ominously. "Do you have like… ghosts in here? What the fuck!" he questioned glancing around with a terrified expression.

"Er… well I don't… but you know Master, it could be a side effect of the dinner you had… " the vampire suggested.

"Maybe… "Alfred still looked somewhat frightened, but was gradually relaxing. "Anyway, what were you saying?" he added with a mischievous grin, suddenly moving on top of his servant and pinning his wrists down.

"Well actually…"

"Aw come on, _that_ I heard quite clear, don't get all shy with me now…" he drawled.

The poor Romanian made a mental note to get his hands on that pasta-brained very distant Italian cousin of his and bleed him dry, while Alfred was more than quick to discard all their clothing and toss them away on the floor.

"Now it's okay to be a little nervous in your situation…"

_What situation? You're not _that_ thick are you? Ugh!_

"But don't worry, I'm very experienced. Honestly, I've tried everything" Alfred explained reassuringly. Which was actually a bad idea.

The vampire's long pale fingers reached up to trace the outline of his jaw as his eyes shone a bright red . "Really? Because I think there may be one thing you have not yet tried… _Master_" Saying that, he pulled the blonde down on top of him and sunk his fangs into his throat.

-x-

Dragos woke up at the break of dawn, after a surprisingly good sleep, and smiled. It was so good to be full, for once. But his early morning satisfaction soon evaporated when he recalled the events of the previous night and assessed the situation.

_The supposed-to-be-dead Italian is still locked in a coffin in my room – THAT IS VERY BAD, what the hell are we going to do with him? Well, maybe bleed him dry could be an option after all…_

_I've bitten Alfred. WHOOPS! Even if he didn't protest, actually I think he liked it… seriously, what the fuck? But if Arthur finds out…_

_He's still in my bed, naked – hugely embarrassing , not to mention obnoxious, I've never heard anyone snore that loud!_

_Er… there was one more thing we did, but better keep a low rating and not think of it, UGH! _

He struggled a bit to free himself from the entangled sheets and Alfred's muscular arm that was draped over him and slipped his clothes on quickly, as soundless as possible. He then carefully opened the second coffin and poked Elizabeta, who had eventually fallen asleep in a very uncomfortable position.

"Huh?" she said blinking sleepily, and she slowly crawled out of the wooden box and smoothed the folds of her dress. "Is Alfred gone?"

"Er… no, he's still here"

The Hungarian peeked past the vampire's shoulder, first glancing warily at the blonde's unclothed and sleeping form, then back at him.

"Don't ask…" Dragos whispered with a dismissal gesture. "Anyway, we need to get him out of here" he added motioning to the Italian, who was – thank God! – asleep as well.

"My room. He's in quite a poor state, I'll need to see to all those cuts and bruises"

Then the vampire picked up the slumbering boy in his arms with ease, and they both tiptoed towards the exit, having a high adrenaline moment at the creaking door.

"Um… Dragos… I need to tell you something…" Elizabeta began in a low voice, after they eventually deposited Feliciano onto her bed and she tucked him in with extra care. "Even if you'll be mad at me…"

The ruby red orbs bore into her bright green ones with a shadow of concern. "What is it?"

"W-well…" she stuttered hesitantly."You know that it's horrible in here, and it's only getting worse and… I was so afraid, and desperate… So I have used the Magic Mirror which Master uses for communication… and I know I really shouldn't have but… I wanted to talk to Ludwig, maybe he could tell me what to do…but instead his brother Gilbert appeared"

"The Prussian? Elizabeta…"

"And so since I'd done it anyway I told him everything instead, and he actually said he would help, that he would send someone from the Axis… But I swear that I thought it would be Ludwig, or at least Kiku… Only that night before the feast I realized that he actually sent Feli..."

The Romanian cleared his throat. "Well, it's still too early for Arthur to be up, so let's have a word with Gilbert, shall we?"

Elizabeta clung fearfully to his arm as they sneaked into the room of the Magic Mirror. As it turned out, despite the early hour, the Prussian was already up, probably set to bring about more doom.

"What a pleasure to see you two!" he chuckled ironically. "Probably want to thank me, don't you? Kesesesesese!"

"Indeed, you have read my mind. And there is one more thing I'd like to say" the vampire said solemnly and held out his hand towards Elizabeta. She promptly offered him the frying pan.

"HOW!ABOUT!YOU!NEVER!HELP!US!AGAIN!YOU!MOTHER!FUCKING!SAUSAGE!LOVING!FUCK!" he shouted, reaching through the Magic Mirror and emphasizing every word with a blow of the frying pan to the Prussian's head.

"HEEEY! Romania, what're you doing beating mein bruder?" Ludwig suddenly appeared in the frame, clenching his fists in anger.

"Why don't you ask him?" the Romanian replied calmly, only stopping to check whether he'd not accidentally bent the handle of Elizabeta's infernal weapon.

"Oh Ludwig, he's sent Italy down here to 'rescue' us!" the girl explained in one breath.

"HE DID WUT?" the German's face crumpled. "Ach, bruder, tell me you didn't do zat!" But to his dismay, Gilbert only laughed sheepishly.

"Alright, let me borrow zat!" Ludwig snatched the frying pan from the vampire's hand and wielded it murderously as he chased his brother.

Dragos eventually let the curtain fall back over the Magic Mirror with a sigh. "From the series 'if you think your family's weird, you ain't seen nothing yet'…" he concluded.

"And what exactly did that solve, if I may ask?" the Hungarian scowled.

"Nothing, but it made me feel better"

_**Hey, hope you enjoyed! As usual, feedback is much appreciated :)**_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

_**Again, many thanks to you guys for all the reviews, favorites and follows! At first I only wrote this story for my own fun and clearly did not expect it to be so appreciated! So I won't be sending out bags of fleas to anyone soon :)**_

_**And now on to the chapter… crack is on :)**_

Another day and night passed slowly, seemingly uneventful. And then…

"Easy, easy now… Please be good, please, please, please! No, no, don't! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Lukas begged, his hands pressed tightly to his chest, in a desperate plea.

However, the odds were clearly not in his favor.

-x-

Arthur entered the Great Hall which had been arranged for breakfast, donning his usual pristine black robes. If his early morning mood had been joyous, the sight he was met with instantly annoyed him. His brother Alfred, who had been mysteriously absent the previous day, now sat at the far end of the table, a huge woolen scarf wrapped around his neck, while he shoveled impressive quantities of bacon and eggs into his mouth, and scribbled something in extreme concentration on a colorful piece of paper. Like, who knew he had distributive attention to begin with…?

"HEY! Where the hell have you been yesterday? And why the fuck did you dress up like Russia for breakfast, you bloody git? Are you high?"

-x-

Dragos walked somewhat hurriedly down the main corridor on the way to the Laboratory Tower, already concerned with the work due. He'd missed just one day with the… well… _cooking_, and no sooner than the previous day had he been faced with a mountain of research paperwork. In truth, the vampire was suspecting that the rather unusual task had been some sort of prolongation of his punishment, but his thoughts were cut short when the door to Elizabeta's chambers opened quite abruptly, hitting him square in the face.

"Oh, good morning!" greeted the Hungarian, her otherwise flushed and angry face lighting up a bit.

"May be good to you…" the vampire muttered in response, a black leather gloved hand still clutching his nose. "What's going on anyway?"

Elizabeta shook her head, as if in disappointment, taking a sudden interest in the tips of her shoes. "Well… it's that cousin of yours"

Dragos jumped, secretly amused. "Oh so now he's _that cousin of mine_! No more _he's so cute_ and _I'd play seven minutes in heaven with him_, huh?"

The girl's cheeks turned an even more pronounced shade of red. "Don't you even mention that! I only meant it _theoretically_ at the time!"

The vampire failed to grasp the concept behind that statement entirely. "Well what did you expect? He's Italian"

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

"Nothing! Nothing! It's just an expression, God!"

"Anyway" Elizabeta concluded, crossing her arms. "You need to have a word with him… You know, tell him to behave!"

"Oh sure, I'll have a word with him" the Romanian agreed. "It will go like this: I'll say _Feliciano, this is unacceptable! _At which he will reply _Veh, you're so scary and a dick and I want pasta! _At which point I will most likely strangle him. What did he do, anyway?"

"Well… the first night, you know, when we were stuck in your coffin… it was okay, nothing happened"

_Hell, good to know nothing happened! My coffins have seen enough action as it is, ugh!_

"But last night…" Elizabeta trailed off, scrubbing a hand over her heated face. "Well as you know we've put him in my bed, however since I only have one bed, I had no choice but to squeeze in next to him. And this morning when I woke up… well he was asleep but my skirt was lifted and his hand was under it..." she added after a pause. "And he called me… um… Ludwig I think…"

_What do you know, who would have thought that that stiff gentleman who always seems to have a stick shoved up his ass actually wears a skirt? Maybe we can blackmail him with that…_

Unable to contain his amusement, the vampire burst into laughter.

_CLANG! _The Hungarian's frying pan hit him in the head, flattening his hat.

"Oww! Okay, okay, I'll talk to him later, damn it woman!" he said, removing his accessory and examining it displeased.

-x-

Finally rid of Elizabeta and just as he was about to turn the corner towards the stairs to the Laboratory Tower, some unidentified flying object hit him full in the face before dropping limp onto the stone floor. The Romanian picked it up carefully with two fingers and held it in the light of the nearest torch. It was a glittering pink envelope, sealed with a bright red heart made of something sticky and emanating an unmistakable strawberry scent.

Wrinkling his nose, he turned it and read the following single line that had been scribbled on its back in an equally glittering purple ink:

_EVEN IF YOU DON'T SPARKLE…_

Furrowing his brow as he suddenly guessed what this was about, Dragos proceeded to pull out the piece of paper contained inside, which was scribbled in the same ugly and uneven handwriting. It said:

_Hey dude! Just wanted to say that I think I have like a crush on you or something!_

_-Love, Alfred-_

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" he cursed out loud, shoving the letter into his pocket. "I'll just have to deal with this later"

The Laboratory door was wide open. In fact it was sort of swinging, barely holding onto its last hinge, while the Laboratory itself looked as if it had just been bombarded. All the jars, instruments and furniture lay in pieces, scattered all over the place. In the middle of all the debris, there was Lukas, down on his knees, sobbing uncontrollably with his face buried in his hands.

"Oi! What happened here?" the Romanian questioned.

The Norwegian stood up slowly, wiping his tears with the sleeve of his robes, and sniffed. "Well… you know how Master is obsessed with becoming more and more powerful these days… Yesterday evening he remembered that I know a lot about mythical creatures and stuff…"

"And?"

"Well… he wanted me to make him one. One of those powerful mythical creatures, that is… so I did, I was up all night working and ended up making a pretty good troll…"

Lukas sighed and his eyes lit up a bit as he continued, dreamily. "Oh, you should have seen… it was so beautiful, large, grey, with muddy-green eyes and those crooked teeth… It was magnificent! Oh well, the only problem was that it could not be controlled, as hard as I tried, so it kind of… destroyed the Laboratory before…"

"Before you had to put him out?"

The blonde boy laughed nervously. "No, actually before he darted out…out there" he replied making a vague gesture towards the door.

The vampire cleared his throat and arranged his tie with his long slender fingers. "Lukas, are you telling me that there is a _troll_ wandering around the castle? A giant, grey, ugly, carnivorous troll? "

"Eh….yes"

_Lovely!_

_**To be continued… :) **_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

_**Okay so… sorry for the delay in updating, blame it on the accursed mixture of writer's block and poor internet connection. Here's the latest addition!**_

"So… I was thinking" Lukas spoke slowly, as he picked up Arthur's spare wand from the table "maybe we shouldn't mention the troll to Master…"

"Well I hardly think there'd be any need in pointing out the obvious" the vampire replied as he too grabbed a wand and cast a repairing spell. One by one, the various recipients, instruments and whatnot began mending themselves and flying back into their place. "A big fat ugly troll running amok around the castle is somewhat hard to miss, so he will most likely know about him before he even gets here!"

"Hey I know!" the Norwegian exclaimed, rummaging into his pocket and producing a bizarre shaped phial containing a blue iridescent liquid. "We will use this and everything will be ok!" He pressed the small button at the top of the recipient, issuing two small blue puffs in Dragos' direction and then two more onto himself.

The vampire instantly began to cough as a nauseating scent of roses invaded the room. "Phewww! What the hell is this?" he asked in a suffocated voice, about to gag.

"Oh, it's a very powerful love potion" the blonde explained excited. "Now everyone who lays eyes on us will instantly adore us. Therefore, when Master walks in here he will fall in love with us at once and won't think of punishing us for the troll!"

_Great! I suppose that a fucking love potion was the last ingredient that was missing in this positively sinister concoction of events! _the Romanian thought, but before he could reply he suddenly caught sight of Arthur standing in the doorway, his thick eyebrows furrowed into an ominous scowl. Unfortunately, they hadn't finished cleaning and fixing everything yet and the door was still hanging.

"What the hell have you done here, you bloody idiots?" the wizard demanded in a menacing tone, examining the state of his Laboratory.

"That… the… experiment you asked for last night… well… it w-went wrong, Master…" Lukas explained in a shaky voice.

"So, not only fruitless but down straight disastrous!" the Englishman concluded. To the surprise of his two assistants, he seemed clueless about the troll. "I should have imagined that your head is filled with stupid fairytales, but otherwise you are utterly and totally incompetent!" he yelled, clenching his fists. "Well, in any case both of you are lucky that I don't have the time to deal with tales of your stupidity as more pressing matters await me! Say, you wouldn't know what in bloody hell could have happened to Alfred, do you?"

Dragos felt his stomach cringe and his hand involuntarily slipped to the incriminating letter in his pocket. "What exactly do you mean, Master?" he asked.

"What exactly do I mean? He's _fucking high_, that's what the hell I mean!" the wizard yelled again. "He didn't happen to stick his nose around here, did he?" he then wondered, pointing at the cupboards of magical supplies.

"Well M-master you know that there could also be a non-magic explanation for your brother's state…" Lukas ventured. "It's called dru-"

"SHUT UP! Now get your ass to work, both of you, and finish cleaning this mess!" Arthur decided, and waved his wand also making a sky-high mountain of paperwork appear on each of the assistants' desks. "Oh, and take care of these by tomorrow morning, will you?" he shouted with a clear hint of menace, and stormed out of the room, black robes swirling behind him.

"Well, he's definitely not in love" Dragos observed, eyeing his stack of documents reluctantly. "Can't say it's a bad thing though... God knows what the hell he would have done then…"

But Lukas seemed thoroughly disappointed. "But how can this be, how can this be? I don't understand! I've tried it before on… well… other people and it worked fine… The effect only lasts about two days, but still… How could it not work on him?" he cried.

The Romanian did not find befitting to ask who had made subject for Lukas' love potion experimentation. Better not to know, he had enough on his mind already. "Well maybe Master just doesn't have it in him. You know, this whole _love thing_…" he suggested instead. "Anyway, I think that now we should rather focus on how to get rid of the damned troll before he wrecks havoc around here. So how do you kill a troll?"

"Well that's the thing!" the blonde said a bit exasperated. "You can't kill the troll… but there are circumstances under which he could be controlled. In fact, it's quite simple: all you have to do is sincerely, genuinely… um… _love_ him"

"ARE YOU INSANE?" the vampire jumped, causing the pile of papers on his desk to collapse and scatter. "Who the hell do you think could love the fucking troll? He's big, ugly, smells bad and eats people!"

-x-

_Well, another thing I'll have to take care of later, ugh!_

The vampire had had a bad feeling abandoning his work again, but he at least had to know the whereabouts of the damned troll and tell those whom he trusted to keep out of his way. But crazy enough, although he searched for several hours, from the dungeons to the towers, the troll was nowhere to be found. It was like the Earth had swallowed him or like he had vanished into thin air. _Fat chance of that though… _

It was already late when he made it down to the kitchens. He was tired and hungry and decided to postpone the paperwork no matter the consequences. Arthur would no doubt be mad about it, but there were worse things to happen if, for example, he discovered his _unwanted_ affair with his younger brother – which he positively suspected it was the source of the latter's unusual state of euphoria – or, God forbid, he was to find out that somehow Feliciano had not made it into his stew and was very much alive.

_Speaking of which, well, at least tick one item off the task list… _

Elizabeta's room was next to the kitchens and as he knocked gently and received no answer, the Romanian reckoned that since she was not there it would be a good time to have that talk with his cousin as she'd asked. Not that he hoped to make much of it, at any rate. Feliciano looked to be in a better state and was now sitting cross-legged on Elizabeta's bed, rummaging through a box that clearly belonged to the Hungarian. There was a whole mess of buttons, pieces of unfinished embroidery, and various other trinkets around him, as he picked each item from the box and examined it briefly before casting it aside bored.

"Hey cousin Dragos!" he greeted cheerfully, which was in itself an improvement. "I was wondering when you'd come to visit, veh!"

The Romanian sat down a bit awkward at the end of the bed. "Well, of course… I had to see how you were…"

"I am sorry that I've been a bit rude earlier, you only wanted to help me… And you're not that scary, veh!"

"Yeah, well, I guess I shouldn't have yelled at you either…" Dragos replied sighing. "Anyway… actually there was something that Elizabeta wanted me to talk to you about…" he added uncomfortable. And he quickly delivered a muttered account of the Hungarian's complaint.

Feliciano pushed the box aside and scratched his head, looking a bit puzzled. "I see but what is the problem?"

"The… problem?"

"Yes. What exactly it is that she did not like, veh?"

The vampire had no idea, he had failed to get the message in the morning altogether. "Well there could be several possibilities… One is that she likes you, but since you have mentioned Ludwig… Or she might like Ludwig, but _you_ mentioned him… Or she might not have liked it at all due to entirely different reasons…"

The Italian had picked a piece of bright red silk ribbon and twisted it between his fingers with a mischievous smile. "Oh cousin, I see where you're getting, veh!" he laughed softly. "But there's no reason for you to be jealous, trust me!"

_As if Elizabeta could really fancy any of you idiots! _Dragos thought scowling, but he did notice that his cousin was looking at him in a funny way. However, before he could further analyze the situation, Feliciano moved swiftly and pushed him down on the mattress.

"I admit that it must have been really confusing to you I mean all this me in bed with her and calling him, but on top of everything you've always known that I love you, right?"

"Eh…no…WHAT?" _No! No! NO! That stupid love potion can't just work now of all times, can it? The damned thing!_

But the Italian wasted no more time and pressed his mouth on his, pulling him into a fierce embrace. The Romanian pushed him away as gently as he could and slid off the bed.

"No, listen Feli, we can't do this, even if I'm so hungry…"Dragos let it escape and instantly kicked himself inwardly. "But you do love me, right?"

The amber orbs took him in adoringly. "You know I do, veh!"

"Then you will do what I say! No more messing with Elizabeta and… just… do whatever she tells you to do. We'll figure a way to get you home"

Saying that, he quickly darted out, slamming the door after him. _Pheww!_

_**Hope you enjoyed and let me know what you think… :) **_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

_**Well, since I felt that the last chapter was a bit of a fail, I thought I'd better update soon… :)**_

While others were unwillingly faced with the troublesome effects of his unfortunate love potion, Lukas was endlessly disappointed and intrigued by its ineffectiveness. Especially since it had worked just fine before… So what the hell was wrong with it now? Tormented by this unexpected and ravishing failure, soon he too abandoned the assigned paperwork and took advantage of Arthur's absence to investigate. It eventually became obvious that since the Englishman possessed magic powers that were above everyone else's and on top of everything - as the vampire had said - was not exactly a loving kind of person, a much stronger concoction was required in his case. He used his cross shaped hairclip to pick the lock of Arthur's special magic supplies cupboard and extracted a single long unicorn hair. No one would notice that, would they?

"Ah, here it is!" he gasped out loud in surprise, having eventually found the much searched after recipe. Checking once more that no one was coming up the stairs, he quickly lit a small fire under the cauldron and threw in all the necessary ingredients.

_A single white thread of unicorn hair_

_A spoon full of earth from the black wolf's lair_

_A fresh pink bud of spring peony_

_Drink this and instantly you will love me_

As he finished the incantation, the Norwegian gave the mixture one last stir, briefly wondering whether Harmonius Peake, the wizard who'd invented the respective potion, hadn't been drunk when he'd written the accompanying poem. Well, anyway… By the time the result of his toil was finished and bottled in a carefully corked phial, it was well past midnight. Arthur usually ate and went to bed early, so the opportunity of slipping it into his favorite stew at dinner was lost, and that would not have been easy… Then he recalled hearing one of the servants mention that the Englishman sometimes used to keep a teapot by his bedside. Eventually he decided to try his luck that way.

Lukas was tiptoeing carefully down the corridor which led to the wizard's chambers when he was faced with a disturbing sight. The troll was there, in the middle of the hallway, and appeared to be chuckling to himself. For some mysterious reason he was now smaller, but still just as misshaped, grey skinned, crooked teethed, hairy and bad smelling as ever. There also appeared to be a mischievous grin plastered over his gruesome features, which was further emphasized by the gaze of his small, muddy green eyes.

"Hey you! Come here this instant!" the blonde ordered in what he thought to be a tone of authority, but the creature let out some sort of croaked laughter and sprinted in the direction of Arthur's bedroom.

"Oh NO!" Lukas murmured and covered his mouth with both hands, as all color drained from his face.

-x-

"Hey Dragos! Are you in there? Why is your door locked? DRAGOS!"

The vampire jumped from his sleep and sat up in his coffin, shooting a terrified glance at the door which was pounded at desperately. His right hand clutching the pink letter which he had failed to answer, he still thought that the voice calling from outside did not seem to be Alfred's after all.

"The door is locked because my chambers are _private_, damn it! As in _stay the fuck out_!" the Romanian grumbled as he stood up slowly and walked to the door, cracking it open reluctantly. "Oh, it's you…"

"I wouldn't have come… this late… but it's urgent!" Lukas panted, out of breath. "It's the troll! I just saw him and he seemed up to no good!"

_Oh really? _He crossed his arms and pulled the collar of his unbuttoned shirt tighter around his neck. "Okay so where the hell is he?"

"Arthur's bedroom… He was clearly headed that way! And he was laughing too!" the Norwegian explained terrified.

They both hurried all the way from the basement to the second floor, where the wizard's chambers were located. Once in front of the massive oak door they stopped indecisively, not really knowing what to do. The vampire placed his ear against the door, but no other sound aside from a soft snore was coming from inside.

"Is he in there? Do you hear him laugh?"

"No, but good to know that he has a sense of humor!" Dragos murmured as he eventually decided to open the door ever so slightly and to peek inside.

On one side of a large four poster bed, quite dangerously close to the edge, Arthur slept peacefully, carefully wrapped in a bright green blanket. The reason for this was that the rest of the bed was occupied by the troll, who had also appropriated the Englishman's nightcap and was rolling excitedly from one side to the other on the soft cushions.

"Oh no!" Lukas shrieked.

"Look, he's not that big, I think I can take him on and capture him" his companion observed. "But I'll need your help"

They both crept into bedroom and made towards the bed as quietly as possible, but the troll was not to be underestimated. He quickly sat up as they approached and shot them an evil and somewhat cross-eyed glare.

"No! Please don't-"the Norwegian begged, but the creature wasted no time and pushed Arthur off the bed with one swift move, so that the wizard landed face first into his night pot.

He then sprang forward with surprising agility and grabbed the trembling boy, shoving him down on top of the Englishman, just as the latter was struggling to get up while muttering something unintelligible. After which he darted out of the room before the Romanian could even attempt to get hold of him. The vampire ran after him down the corridor determined, oblivious to the fact that poor Lukas had undoubtedly fallen prey to Arthur's wrath. Chuckling darkly, the troll opened another door a bit further down and disappeared inside, slamming it behind him.

"Stupid troll you will not thwart me again!" Dragos shouted as he followed the creature inside. He quickly glanced around the dimly lit bedroom, which was just as big and richly decorated as Arthur's and briefly had a sinister suspicion, just before he spotted the troll diving under the bed.

"Come out of there now, you demented shit!" he demanded, kneeling and lifting the covers. But the troll had already emerged on the other side and now jumped on the Romanian's back, causing him to collapse and slam his head into one of the bed's posters.

"Owww!" The vampire managed to get up just in time to catch a glimpse of the troll's fat behind as he once more darted out the door, this time turning the lock. "What? No!"

"Let me out of here, you mindless beast!" Dragos shouted, although aware it was useless. Judging by how hard the troll was laughing outside, it was obvious that he had no such intention.

_Stupid troll fuck you a million times! _the vampire inwardly cursed pulling at the knob, until the door was unexpectedly swung open.

"Aw dude, I totally knew you'd come!" Alfred stated excited, flashing a broad smile. "See my letters have never failed, not once! By the way, I thought I saw a troll prancing about on the way here, how awesome is that?"

"Yes indeed, so maybe I should…" He murmured as he unsuccessfully tried to slip past the American's massive frame.

"Now, now, Dragos…" Alfred said, lifting his chin with two fingers. "What did I say about you being nervous? There's no need…"

_**Hope you enjoyed and let me know what you think… :) Ugh, I said that again… **_


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

_**Hey there guys! Another lack of inspiration with the introduction… ugh! This is probably the biggest challenge of my writing endeavors… Anyway, on to today's chapter! **_

It was not morning yet when Elizabeta woke up with a strange feeling. She propped herself in one elbow as she patted her nightstand for the matches to light a candle. The Hungarian grew aware that there was someone on the other side of her bed who was loudly snoring, growling and… stinking. _What the heck? _Eventually managing to light up her bedside candle, she cautiously turned and directed the flame on her companion. A horrid looking, rather pumpkin shaped creature with grayish skin and an ancient nightcap which looking strikingly similar to Arthur's came into view. Two big crooked fanglike lower teeth were popping out of its mouth each time it snored.

Elizabeta shrieked in utmost horror, unable to comprehend what was going on. Was this Arthur who had turned into a monster and had eventually managed to find Feliciano and eat him? If so, why was the Englishman still in her bed? Was he maybe going to devour her too, as a punishment for her betrayal? Her scream woke up the troll, who also sat up and gave her a cross-eyed glance that couldn't have been more confusing.

"M-master? Is… is that you?" the girl stuttered, terrified.

"Gorgog!" the troll exclaimed with a blood curdling chuckle and blew off her candle. Suddenly left in the dark, the Hungarian could do nothing more than jump off the bed and stumble blindly towards the door, hoping for a quick escape. At least she was pretty sure now that the unexpected guest was not Arthur, but that wasn't much of a solace. In fact, it was all the more disturbing. And where was the Italian?

"Feliciano?"

There was no answer but the troll's malicious laughter.

"FELICIANO!"

-x-

Not far away from Elizabeta's room, in the castle's kitchens, Feliciano - who was hungry and had ventured out in search of food - heard her screaming but did not think too much of it. _Maybe she is having a nightmare, or maybe one of those dreams, veh? _I mean, if she were really in some sort of trouble, she would not call for him, right? Right. Having drawn this convenient conclusion, he resumed the preparation of his beloved pasta. It had already begun to smell nice, he thought, adding a few more spices to the sauce, and the flavor had eventually overcome the horrible smells which usually lingered in the kitchen. No wonder, in one corner there was a large cauldron full of something the appearance of which resembled a stew, but which with all benevolence the Italian had not deemed edible. In fact, the sheer odor that had met his sensitive nose the very moment he had attempted to lift the lid had made his knees go weak.

Much to his surprise, not everyone agreed. As he was slowly stirring into his pasta pot, he caught sight of a figure that was soundlessly sneaking behind his back, towards said cauldron.

"Who is there, veh?" he asked fearful, in a cracking voice. In the dim light the Italian distinguished something that looked like a white rabbit, except it was way larger than his favorite bunnies and for some reason it also had a cross shaped hairclip behind one ear. It also seemed to be holding something like a phial in his paws.

"Who the hell are you? Leave me alone!" the rabbit retorted irritated, shooting him an angry glare.

After having fallen prey yet again to the troll's twisted sense of humor and being thus transformed by a half asleep and piss drenched Arthur, Lukas was more determined than ever to see his plan of pouring his much toiled upon love potion into the Englishman's stew to fulfillment. Squinting in the obscurity, he did not recognise the small Italian whose survival he was not aware of anyway, but he was at any rate displeased to meet some random nosy servant who could obstruct his endeavor.

"Veh! You can talk?" Feliciano wondered out loud, drawing closer. The white rabbit ignored him blatantly as it hopped towards the cauldron, then up on a small stool and pushed the lid off.

"What are you doing there, veh?" the Italian insisted, much to the Norwegian's despair.

Right then, the double doors swung open and Elizabeta burst in. She was instantly relieved to see that her roommate was safe and sound.

"Feliciano!" she cried. "Oh Feli, I was so scared! I woke up and there was an ugly monster in our…er… my bed and you were nowhere!"

"That is pretty strange, veh! I just found a talking rabbit in here and he's trying to cook too!" the Italian said in turn. "Although I don't think that it knows how…"

The Hungarian blinked, completely puzzled. "What? Where?" Her gaze trailed to the white rabbit who was now glaring at both of them.

"Why the hell can't you leave me alone, you idiots? I'm an evil rabbit and if you don't get lost this instant I will eat you both!" it shouted menacing, startling the two of them.

"Oh my God, do something!" Elizabeta shrieked, desperate that she'd forgotten her favorite frying pan back into her room. Feliciano rummaged feebly through his pockets and almost instantly pulled out an extendable white flag. "No, don't hurt us, don't hurt us, we surrender! White flag, see?" he cried maneuvering it with an expert hand.

Lukas did see the white flag, especially as, energetically wielded as it was by the little Italian, it knocked him off the stool in one swing. The phial of magic love potion was swept from his paws and flew spectacularly, smashing into a remote wall, while he took a nose dive into the stew filled cauldron, with a loud plop.

A thick purple cloud erupted in the spot where the potion had spilled, while a mysterious voice resounded out of thin air:

_A word of warning to all those who try to use wicked potions to inflict the most powerful magic that is love upon innocent and unsuspecting hearts: not only that love potions do not work as wished, but most often they backfire monumentally, as you may have discovered already, so that you should probably devote your toil to more worthy and noble purposes than that which you have so foolishly attempted. And if you're ugly, tough shit! On a happier note, for more disastrous magic recipes, don't forget to visit __Harmonius Peake__'s Magical Jokes Shop! Open 24/7 _

_**Hope you enjoyed, although it was a short one :) (Always hopeful… that's me:)) Next update as soon as I figure out how things will evolve… In the meantime, let me know what you think :)**_


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

_**Yes, well so another delay…. But that's me, always lazy, at least when I'm not starting 100000 things in the same time and then not finish any of them. However, today I am determined to update! :))))) So here's the outcome:**_

_Late next morning_

The Laboratory door swung open slowly and Lukas hopped in, exhausted. He glanced around and saw his Romanian colleague already at his desk. The vampire's quill had been bewitched so that it was writing on its own, filling the papers on his stack, while his head was onto the desk, hat askew, and he was sleeping profoundly. However, he jumped up startled when the Norwegian cleared his throat.

"Oi! Didn't see you there!" he exclaimed. "You don't look too good…"

"Gee thanks, neither do you, mate! Rough night, huh? Maybe… give a hand?" the blonde asked.

Dragos stood from his desk and picked up the rabbit in his arms."Yeah, and just for the sake of keeping it PG-13, don't ask any details and I won't either…" The poor thing looked quite awful, with one ear flattened awkwardly and dried bits of stew stuck in its badly ruffled white fur.

"As if all the crap he'd done wasn't enough, the damned troll chased me on the way from the kitchens and since I'm not used to these legs I took a nasty tumble on the stairs… And then I had to hop all the way up here, it was _a nightmare_!" the Norwegian complained.

The vampire filled up a bowl with water and warmed it with a wave of his wand. "My story is much shorter – he lured me into Alfred's bedroom and locked me in there…" he said gently placing the small animal inside and rinsing him clean.

"That's nasty! And I have a feeling we haven't seen the half of it… Say Dragos, you have a good heart…" Lukas said tentatively.

The vampire's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Really? Who said that?" he muttered, now wrapping the rabbit in a clean towel.

"I do! You've always helped me… and I happen to know that a certain Italian did not make it into Master's stew either…"

The Romanian grimaced nervous. "Um… how do you know that?

Lukas rolled his eyes. "Well who else could have punched me with a stupid white flag? Anyway… I might have messed this whole thing with the love potions… See last night I had just made a new one, very powerful, but it got spilled into the kitchen. Not into Arthur's stew as I hoped but it's still possible for the vapors to have some weird effects. Not to mention that it turned out that the recipe was from a magic jokes shop… But you won't tell anyone, will you?"

"No. But listen, mate, you need to give up on this, it's clearly not going to work… We won't be rid of Arthur with that kind of crap"

The white rabbit nodded. "Yes, I've got that alright… So give me a kiss?"

"Tch!" the vampire shook his head but still leaned and placed a small peck on the Norwegian's small pink nose. "Now stay here and don't do anymore shit! I'll go see whatever the fuck the troll is up to now!"

-x-

_Meanwhile, on the second floor_

Alfred stepped out of his bedroom, still stretching his arms with a satisfied grin all over his face. Unfortunately for him, the next second he had a totally unawesome encounter, which instantly wiped the smile off his face. Gorgog, a.k.a the misshaped, grey skinned, crooked teethed, hairy, stinky and cross-eyed troll, popped out of nowhere and giggled malevolently.

"Boo!" said the troll, while Alfred turned on his heels and ran away screaming.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! There is a monster in the house! It's so big and ugly and it stinks and it's so fucking uncool and unawesome, what the fuck dude, what the fuck, save me Iggy, save meeeeeeeeeee!" he yelled running straight into the Englishman who had come out of his room as well, and knocking him of his feet. Upon impact, the wand dropped from his pocket and Arthur fell on his behind right on it, snapping it in two.

"MY WAND!" the wizard roared. "YOU BROKE MY WAND YOU BLOODY IDIOT!"

"I'm sorry, Iggy, but there's a-" the American whimpered, but the troll had already disappeared. "Owww!" he cried when his older brother slapped him across the face as hard as he could.

"WHAT THE FUCKEST FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

-x-

_Obviously! Once more the troll is nowhere, but not to worry, he'll probably show up at worst moment possible…_

"Hey, you didn't happen to see an ugly, stinking troll around here, did you?" Dragos asked, poking his head into the kitchen.

"No I did not but I was wondering…" Nikola replied. "Do you think the troll likes yoghurt? This is my favorite and I had to wait for three days until it was properly-"

"No, I think he's into more consistent stuff than yoghurt, like you for example…" the Romanian muttered. "Is there any chicken soup left? I'm hungry…"'

The Bulgarian shook his head (which actually means yes, btw). "What is the matter, Roro? You look upset"

"Well if I wasn't upset I am now! Did I not tell you not to call me that, _Bubu_?" the vampire jumped. "Oh, everything is wrong! I have no freedom, my magic isn't helping, this whole troll affair is just awful and my love life is a mess!" he then added in a dramatic tone.

"Mess meaning you don't have any?" Nikola asked scratching his head.

Dragos pinched the bridge of his nose. "Oh, hell, I've got plenty, except it's fucked up beyond belief! Imagine that – I love Elizabeta, she's the only one I've ever wanted, but did I get anywhere with her? No! Instead, I've ended up kissing three different _men_ in the past week – one of which is my cousin, another has beaten and fucked me and the third was currently transformed into a rabbit!"

"Oh… that's pretty bad" Nikola concluded, agitating his yoghurt jar. "Maybe I should be thankful that I'm not getting that much attention…" Then he popped open the lid and the white cream splashed them both in the face.

Right then a loud rumble was heard in one of the adjacent storage closets where Feliciano and Elizabeta had hidden in fear of Lukas _the evil rabbit, _and they both fell through the door as it swung open.

"Veh, cousin, we didn't interrupt, did we?" the Italian said, pointing at the yoghurt on the vampire's face. "Looks like you were going for the fourth man…"

"Damn it, Bubu, your timing is perfect…" his cousin muttered, his gaze trailing to Elizabeta, whose face was flushed and angry.

"What do you mean you kissed your cousin? How dared you?! HE'S MINE!" she yelled, eyeing them both in a way that made it impossible to guess who she was really addressing.

The Romanian cleared his throat, wiping the yoghurt off his face. "Elizabeta, can I have a word with you?"

The Hungarian crossed her arms, still looking somewhat upset. "Very well. What do you have to say for yourself?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow. All she could do was gasp when Dragos took her in his arms and pressed his lips against hers in response.

-x-

Nikola pulled Feliciano outside the kitchen to give them a little privacy, and they both ran face first into the troll, who was waiting and chuckling. The Bulgarian passed out instantly.

"Plushie! Big, fluffy plushie, just for me! Yaay!" the Italian chirped happily and jumped right into Gorgog's arms. "You're so cute, cute, cuuuuuuuuuuuuuute and I love you!" he added and the troll embraced him too.

_***Sigh* This was my romantic side, I hope it didn't shock you for life or anything! Anyway, as soon as you come back to your senses, don't forget to review!**_


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

_**So… FINAL CHAPTER is up and it will be LONGER TOO! Yes, well it was wonderful writing this, now I feel really moved to the core and I'll probably cry… :)))**_

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia (btw, I should have put this disclaimer from the first chapter, but I forgot...)**

_**Warning: there will be some extreme drama in this chapter… aside from the usual crack, so consider yourselves warned!**_

The vampire strolled back into the Laboratory and sat as his desk, flashing a fangy mischievous smile that only seemed to grow wider and wider. He took a deep breath and fumbled with his papers, yet he still could not help the corners of his mouth being tugged upwards in that cheeky grin.

"Did you find the troll? What the hell is he up to now?" Lukas asked a bit puzzled. The transformation spell had eventually worn out and, brusquely returning to his human form, he had dropped from his desk onto the floor scattering all his papers and smashing his ink bottle.

Dragos leaned forward on his elbows and bit his lower lip before carelessly waving his hand. "Oh fuck the troll! I_ kissed _Elizabeta, at last!" he said happily. "We made out like… for five minutes!"

Just when the other blonde was about to say something in reply, some loud shouting and screaming broke out somewhere on the floors below. And one of the voices was unmistakably Arthur's. The Romanian's demeanor darkened almost instantly.

"Aghhhhhhhh! Not now, not now, not now, please not now…." he muttered, burying his face in his palms.

It wasn't long before the door was slammed open and Alfred's massive frame appeared in the doorway, and he threw a quick glance around the room, eventually spotting Arthur's two assistants. The Norwegian tried to maintain his usual oh-so-infallible poker face but was failing miserably and his face was white as a sheet, while the Romanian still kept his face hidden in his hands.

"You!" Alfred addressed the vampire, who had eventually bothered to look up, and made a calling gesture with two fingers. As soon as the assistant complied, the American's fingers closed around the back of his neck, squeezing hard.

"Ow, ow, ow!" Dragos hissed in pain. "Master, please, what did I do…?"

"Oh, you'll find out soon enough!" came the reply, accompanied by a devious grin. "You too, Bondevik!"

-x-

"Uh-oh! Fucking hell… this is bad" the vampire whispered as Alfred ushered them both rather forcefully into the Great Hall, where Arthur was sat in his large official chair, surrounded by all the servants.

"L-last time he had everyone gathered like this… he s-sentenced your cousin to be cooked in the stew…" Lukas recalled in horror.

The Romanian took a deep breath. "Just deny everything, okay? And don't go begging for mercy, it will plainly spell guilty. We need to display the fearlessness of the innocent!" he advised. _Oh my God, we are SO screwed_…

Sighing, Arthur solemnly stood up from his chair and began pacing back and forth as he began to speak. "My beloved subjects… as you may have noticed or heard, _funny_ things have been happening lately in our peaceful home… "The wizard paused briefly to assess the effect of his words and seemed pleased when many servants nodded, looking concerned.

"Where to start? Well, at first, one of our cleaning ladies fell prey to peculiar symptoms which were eventually proven to have been caused by a _love potion_… And somehow, in mysterious ways, said love potion also made its way into my food… Then, a hellish creature, a horrible troll showed up apparently 'from nowhere'" the Englishman continued, emphasizing the quotation marks "and stroke terror into us with his evil deeds. And on top of everything, my poor brother Alfred has suffered a misfortune of his own, that left him scarred and confused…"

"What? Iggy, what are you talking about?" the American asked puzzled, but the wizard cut him off with a firm gesture.

"Well, that pretty much sums up what you all know already… however what you _don't know_ is that my two lovely assistants here present are directly responsible for all these dreadful events. So let's hear what they have to say for themselves"

A murmur crossed the room and Elizabeta shot Dragos an ominous glare. But no one said anything.

"Well, seeing as no one cares to share anything with us, let's present the evidence, shall we?" the wizard suggested, making a motioning gesture. The previously mentioned cleaning lady stepped forward and, as if on cue, began to whine.

"Oh Master, it was dreadful, to experience such torment, what with my age and all… And never, I swear, never have I harbored such _improper_ thoughts… about _him_!" she said, pointing a scrawny finger in the Norwegian's direction.

"Eww, it was her you used the potion on? Ahahahahaha dude that's totally lame!" Alfred exclaimed, before his brother's glare made him shut up.

Lukas cleared his throat, doing his best to conceal his increasing nervousness. "T-that's an absurd accusation! Honestly, why would I do such a thing, and with that old hag?!" The cleaning lady turned purple at the insult and clutched her broomstick menacingly.

"You will watch your mouth!" Arthur jumped angrily, then took a deep breath before he went on "Hmmm.. is it not a strange coincidence how my magic supplies cupboard which I always keep carefully locked was recently _ransacked_ by a mysterious and malevolent hand, while in the same time there is a rumor that you use that hairpin of yours slash lock picking device to stick your nose where you definitely aren't supposed to?"

"Uh…"

"And did I not catch you creeping into my bedroom in the middle of the night for _questionable_ purposes?" the Englishman continued to question.

"Um… Iggy… maybe we should not discuss this stuff… you know… in public?" Alfred suggested.

"But why? I keep no secrets from my servants, I think they should all know what the hell is going on around here, and see once and for all who is the villain!" the wizard declared. "And for your information, Alfie, _I haven't even started_!" he added in a lower voice. The American mouthed a silent _what, _looking suddenly worried.

"Oh and last but not least" Arthur resumed his speech "guess what country trolls originate from? Starts with N but it's not _Nowhere_!"

At this point Lukas was already down on his knees, a shaking and sobbing mess, begging for forgiveness. The Englishman sighed. "So, this is what I get for being gentle and never having punished you… Unlike you!" he said suddenly pointing at the vampire "Whom I have punished repeatedly, but with little to no results _WHATSOEVER_!"

"But…what did I do?" the Romanian asked in a low voice, feeling uncomfortable as everyone's focus had suddenly shifted onto him.

Arthur shot him a deadly glare. "What, aside from covering for his crap? Oh, let's see, maybe you have coaxed my brother into having an affair with you so that you could feast on his blood!" he yelled.

Everyone gasped, in shock.

_Oh… SHIT! _Dragos thought, but somehow managed to maintain his composure. "That's not true" he replied sternly, crossing his arms. He'd never felt more grateful for the fact that due to his nature he couldn't have blushed even if he had wanted to.

"Y-yeah Iggy, that's ridiculous… How did you get s-such an idea?" the American cut in, which only made it worse, as his brother produced a pink sheet of paper from his pocket and unfolded it, clearing his throat.

"Guess what, you left this little _draft_ on the breakfast table this morning, you absolute twat! Listen to this:

_My little Dracula,_

_I woke up this morning to your scent still lingering on my bed sheets, and needless to say that got me pretty *censored* so I had to *censored*several times…"_

The vampire slapped a hand against his face, fingers pressing his forehead, and he let out a groan, squeezing his eyes shut.

"_How could I focus on my videogames now when all I can think of is how I *censored*,*censored* and *censored* you, just before I – _it's _impaled_ not _impilled_ you bloody idiot! _- you and *censored* you into the bed senseless? Not to mention that the feeling of your mouth on my neck and of my *censored* against your hot *censored* makes me *censored* almost instantly… So it would be so freaking awesome if I 'accidentally' caught you alone tonight again…_

_Love_

_Alfred"_

A deadly silence fell over the Great Hall as no one even dared to move, until the American eventually stood up from where he had been hiding crouched behind Arthur's chair, red as a tomato. "The… that's… Iggy, you got it all wrong!" he suddenly said, much to everyone's surprise, and the Romanian finally dared to look up, only to have his hopes brutally crushed a second later. "God, you made it all sound so… so bad… This is not an affair! It's-it's serious and we're having a relationship!"

"We're _NOT_ having a relationship!" Dragos shouted, unable to refrain himself anymore. "You beat me and forced me to… But we're _SO NOT_ having an affair and as sure as hell we are _NOT_ having a relationship!"

"Er… don't mind him..." Alfred said, waving his hand in a dismissal manner. "It's normal to react like this, after all I was his first-"

"Why _THE FUCK_ do you keep saying _that_?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?" The Romanian bit his lip but said nothing. "Didn't think so… But like I said, he's just nervous and all, but we're definitely an item!" the American declared proudly, flashing a million dollar smile.

However, Arthur's eyes widened and he looked like he was about to explode. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, YOU BLOODY IDIOT?" But unfortunately for him, he'd caught his brother in confrontational mode, as Alfred wasn't going to overlook the public embarrassment Arthur had just subjected him to.

"You're just jealous Iggy, but it's really no one's fault that you couldn't get laid if your life depended on it!"

"HOW DARE YOU-" the Englishman jumped, but was interrupted when loud singing resounded outside the Great Hall.

_OH I…OH I… I'M STILL ALIVE_

_OH I…OH I… I'M STILL ALIVE_

The large double doors were slammed open and Gorgog the troll burst in. Now he was absolutely huge and comfortably seated on his shoulders was none other than Feliciano Vargas, singing _Alive_ by Pearl Jam at the top of his lungs. And a bit false. Everyone froze in horror.

"OMG, OMG what the fuck dude, it's the ghost of Italy! Save me Iggy, save meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Alfred screamed, scared shitless.

"It's not the _ghost of_ Italy, you IDIOT!" the wizard yelled. "_IT IS_ bloody Italy, how the fuck did he escape us!?"

The Italian finally stopped singing and his slender finger shot mercilessly in Arthur's direction. "Veh, prepare to get your ass kicked by my giant evil magic fluffy plushie, you stupid Englishman!" he shouted.

"See? I told you that all the troll ever wanted was to be loved" Lukas pointed to the vampire, who watched dumbstruck as said troll punched the wizard full in the face, rendering him unconscious in no time.

And so, the evil wizard Arthur Kirkland and his equally evil brother Alfred were defeated by Italy and his giant evil magic fluffy (troll) plushie, and subsequently placed under international custody and locked away in some dreadful place where they would never get out from…

-x-

_And now for some heartfelt Latin family atmosphere…_

On his way home from the misty England, Romania stopped by his _favorite_ cousins' house to drop Feliciano and his precious (troll) plushie, from which he was now inseparable… _Whatever…_

He rang the doorbell – since Feliciano had _lost/given to Ludwig/never had in the first place_ the key – and involuntarily stepped back as he was greeted by very loud – but not unexpected – shouting.

"What the hell are you doing here, you fangy bastard?" Romano questioned abruptly. "What do you want from me?"

"You can relax, this is not a courtesy visit, you tomato fucker" the vampire replied dryly." Aren't you missing something?"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean, am I missing something?" growled Romano, clenching his fists. "Are you trying to play smartass with me? I'm older than you, have some fucking respect if you don't want me to kick your ass!"

The Romanian sighed. "Let me give you a clue… starts with F, nine letters"

The southern Italian quickly counted on his fingers with his back turned. "Starts with F, only four letters and I've got plenty!" he eventually yelled, turning. "So FUCK you too, bastard! Where the fuck did you learn these retarded jokes from anyway, Russia?"

Dragos shook his head and moved aside to reveal Feliciano, who was currently cradled lovingly in the troll's arms.

"Hello _fratello_! Meet my giant evil magic fluffy plushieeee! We're in love, veh!"

Romano was in shock for about two seconds, before he suddenly pulled out his phone, snapped a picture and then feebly dialed a number.

"Ja? Vat do you vant?" a voice was heard at the other end of the line.

"Check out that picture I just sent you, fucking potato loving bastard! My brother dumped you for a huge ugly stinking troll, what does that tell you, ha? You totally had it coming, you stupid fuck!"

"But… _fratello_… how can you call my plushie a _troll_?" Feliciano cut in, sounding offended.

"Because he IS a troll, not a plushie, you brain-fucked idiot!"

Sensing a strong headache coming his way slowly but surely, their Romanian relative discreetly crept away from the door, leaving them in the middle of a heated argument.

**THE ****END**

**PHEW!**

**DONE!**

**PS: If you have any particular/unusual crack request, leave a message and maybe I'll consider it (but only if it's really really screwed :)) Bye! **


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